Hey, friend!

Let's talk about anxiety. And rats. But mainly anxiety.

Last night I had a deeply enjoyable conversation with a close friend who clearly also enjoyed our time together. I went to bed full of peace and joy.

When I woke up, I was completely convinced my friend thought I was a complete and total buffoon. I fixated on every single stupid thing I had said, every time I had overshared, and I became absolutely sure they had walked away barely able to tolerate my existence.

I've spent enough time lately thinking about my brain that I realized quickly I wasn't processing this conversation correctly. Yes, there was one thing I had said that I did end up apologizing for later, but neither that nor any of the other things I was fixated on were huge friendship-ending issues like they felt.

At this point I had to ask myself: why are these thoughts intruding into my brain when I didn't ask for them?

As my therapist has taught me, I stopped and paid attention to my body. My shoulders were hunched, my core tight, and my breathing shallow. These are all the signs that I was feeling anxiety, and didn't even realize it.

Have you seen the movie Ratatouille? There's a cute little rat that sits on a kid's head and, by pulling his hair, is able to move the kid's body around.

My anxiety is like the rat. Except, instead of making me an award-winning chef, it attempts to strip away my confidence. It grabs the "hair handles" of my brain and tries to steer it toward a world in which I have nothing to offer and no one likes me.

Here's why I'm grateful that I'm aware of this: when I notice the little anxiety-rat, I can just (metaphorically) remove it from its perch and set it down to the side.

It'll take other work–therapy, meditation, exercise, changing life circumstances, medication–to make the anxiety go away. And I'm doing that work.

But in the meantime, I'm not gonna let the little sucker drive. I exert control over my brain, inform it the anxiety rat is a little liar, and resume my place in the real world–one in which I have much to offer the people around me and they care for me and have grace for me. It's a much better world to live in.

What Else?

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Matt Stauffer YouTube

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That's it for now!

Until next time...

Your friend,
Matt Stauffer