Hey, friend!Wow. The kids started school last month and I celebrated all the time I had gotten back. They're with me half time, and so that means 2-3 days a week I just got my time back from around 9am until 2pm to myself. I caught up on months of emails, released a new podcast, and generally got excited about life picking up! Also, the kids are delighted to be back in school, so what an encouragement. But... life never is just ups or downs. It's never easy, never simple. Trigger warning: Suicide A childhood friend of mine died two weeks ago, by suicide. I flew up to Michigan for the funeral, went to a funeral with a room of at least 50% un-masked anti-vaxxers, had one of my middle school teachers tell me to take ivermectin, caught up with good friends and my family, and then returned home almost exactly 24 hours later. Speaking of life having both ups and downs... I have so many thoughts about that experience, about the funeral, about my friend. I can't share all of them here—not enough time, some of it too personal, some of it I haven't processed—but I have to at least share some. I currently am medicated and in therapy for ADHD, depression, and anxiety. If you've followed me for any time you know this. It was hard at first to share it but now I'm glad it's out. But here's something I haven't ever said out loud until the funeral: I've struggled in the past with suicidal ideation. So, in light of losing a friend to suicide, I wanted to share something with you. Important note: I'm not a mental health expert, either by trade or by study. I know probably much less about this topic than anyone else talking about it publicly. I'm only going to share my experience. I considered suicide in the past when I felt like there was no way out. I felt like things were so bad—not all things, mind you, but just the ones consuming my mind at that time—that there was no chance it could be fixed. I've heard people say "things are hopeless" before, but always attributed it to a lack of imagination, of positivity. But what I've realized as I've grown up is that there are situations that we can find ourselves in that, whether due to mental illness or due to an actually just awful situation, we can be in a moment where our best creativity and attempts at optimism make it clear it'll never get better. This isn't a great example, but hopefully it can make this idea click: imagine you had done something horrible and the entire world just found out. You can't turn back time. You can't change that every person you meet will know this horrible thing about you. And so, in that moment, you feel hopeless: this bad thing is out of your control. That's the feeling. Whether it's actually out of control is irrelevant. What matters is that you feel, with every bone in your body, that this problem is unfixable. And the only solution to that problem, then, is to be gone. So, here's my point: 1. If you've found yourself or still do find yourself at that point, if you ignore every other thing I teach you, please remember this: Our worst problems are solved best in community. You won't truly know if that thing is unsolve-able until you talk to people about it, and about how it makes you feel. 2. If you have friends who you're worried about in this regard, the most important thing I can think of that you can do for them is to keep them from feeling like they're alone in it. Just be there. There are tons of great articles on the Internet teaching you how to identify potential suicidal ideation, and how to be supportive, but all of them require you to be there. Don't let that person be alone—at least in their minds, but even physically if possible—until you feel like it's no longer a concern. (Here's one good article) There's so much more to say, but I think that's enough for today. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad we can talk about these things openly and none of us are struggling alone. What Else? Matt Stauffer YouTube
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That's it for now! Until next time... Your friend, |